god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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