Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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