Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Please, let me fuck your mom
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize