don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
