he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
