the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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