my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize