There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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