You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
