"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
