I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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