I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
