Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
