she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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