cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
