Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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