there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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