Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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