My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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