John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
