Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
