On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize