I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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