so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
