More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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