Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
