A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
