you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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