Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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