She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize