my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
