Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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