You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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