I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
