I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
