Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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