Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
