my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize