My Higher Power is John Stamos
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
