today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
