do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
