I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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