What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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