can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
