Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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