a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
