I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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