If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize