There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
