even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize