Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
