She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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