Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
