Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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