she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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