Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
